Who's to Blame?

I heard a woman share a few days ago about an incident that shadowed her through most of her life until she began working the twelve steps of her program She was not in AA; this was a different twelve step program. She was at the dinner table with her family, and she spilled her milk. She was a child. Maybe 5, 6, or 7. I don't remember what age she said she was. Her father got up from his chair, came over to her, lifted her up by her arms and shook her. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. She didn't know, but for the the rest of her life into her adult years she wondered what was wrong with her. To compensate for this feeling of inadequacy, she tried to please everyone. That way people might not think anything was wrong with her.

At today's early morning meeting, John (not his real name) shared that growing up he didn't feel like he fit in with other kids. He was shy and lacked confidence. When he was 17 years old, he took his first drink and he thought, "Wow! This is the solution to my problems." He had confidence, he could talk to girls, he could dance. He was so excited that he finally fit in. Once he had a few drinks in him. "Drinking was fun," he said. Then it became fun with problems. Then it was just problems and he had to stop. That's the difficult part: not using alcohol to shut down our negative thoughts about ourselves. And he had a few relapses but has now been sober for several years.

Then Jim spoke. He shared that his parents never told him they loved him. They never hugged him. They never expressed any emotion. Jim said that's the way his parents were raised. They didn't know there was another way.

Finally, Gail shared about her mother, an alcoholic. Her step-father a verbally abusive alcoholic who would whisper in her ear frequently, "You're not my daughter." She was scared of him. She shut down her negative self talk with alcohol just like all of us in the meeting room this morning. But what Gail added was through working the steps she realized her parents did the best they could. Like Jim's and John's parents, Gail's parents didn't know they could have behaved differently. Her step-father thought he had to whisper those hurtful words to his step-daughter. Her mother thought she had to drink just to get through the day.

We are all doing the best we can at any moment. That's what I believe. So Gail and Jim and John and the woman I mentioned in the first paragraph have been able to forgive their parents. Who's to blame? There is no blame. That's freedom from anger and resentment. A much better way to live.