The Mind is the Matter

Michael Singer said something like your mind is like a big bully. He explained that our minds tell us we aren't good enough or that we are going to fail, or something is wrong with us, and so on. I listen to the women I sponsor in alcoholics anonymous and so many of them have a bully in their mind. Non alcoholics also.

I recently met with a sponsee who was very sad because she felt she should be more productive. Like start a business she said. But she didn't want to start a business. But her mind is nagging her. Telling her she should create a business so THEN she can be happy about her life. That's nuts! It's also a common theme with the women I work with.

First, it's thinking that happiness lies in the future. Once something is acquired like a business or partner or house or more money, then I will be happy and feel complete.

Second, it's looking outside myself for happiness when most of us know that happiness can only come from inside ourselves. We can't depend on anything outside us for our happiness. I think most of us know that, but yet we see a fancy car, a beautiful house, owing a business and decide, ah ha! That's what I need.

I went to law school because I read an article in the local paper about a female attorney in Ventura. There was a picture of her running on the beach. She was smiling. She looked fit and happy and I presumed had money and she was a lawyer. She was a somebody and I wanted to be a somebody. I decided if I was a lawyer I would feel good about myself. I signed up for law school, passed the bar, got a job in a law firm and you can imagine what happened. I was miserable. I liked saying I was a lawyer but I didn't like the work.

That reminds me of my sister who was overweight for many years and finally checked into an eating disorder in-patient facility. She came out looking even more beautiful because she was thin. I drooled just looking at her . She saw me staring with my green eyes and said, I still have the same voice in my head. That hasn't changed. So, there you have the problem. We can change the outside but what we need to change is our insides: our bully that resides in her head. Let's evict him.

Back to the sponsee who feels like she needs to start a business and be productive so she will like herself. Third point: Is that true? She should start a business. Where did that thought come from? I asked her and she knew immediately. "My dad. He told all of us kids we needed to be productive. Oh, my mom, too. I never saw her sit down. She was always busy." Interesting. There is a part of us that retains these ideas from the past that don't fit any more. Like wearing old clothes that don't look good on us. She was bringing her past into her present and suffering because of it. And furthermore, she didn't see that getting up, getting dressed, brushing her teeth, going grocery shopping, going to a meeting, taking her son to school, all of those tasks she accomplished before she visited with me were her being productive. Her mind was a big bully.

We spent a lot of time examining that belief. This morning she texted me and said she was sitting in the patio (it's a beautiful, sunny day here) and reading a book, Codependent No More. Now that is being productive. What she learns from that book and incorporates into her life will help her be a more loving, compassionate person with herself and the people in her life. A great use of her time. Maybe the bully will learn something, too.