Negative Thoughts Can Pop Up In Anyone's Mind

My fifth blog. I asked my husband to read this one and correct grammar and/or spelling (Despite my having been an English teacher, his grammar and punctuation skills are the best.) After he edited the blog, he said that readers might be getting bored with the subject of thinking and suggested I rewrite this blog. Well, I was planning to devote the next several blogs to negative thought loops. I got a bit defensive, but I did not react. I kept quiet. In AA, the pause before our automatic reaction is called "the sacred pause." I thought he could be right. But I am not going to rewrite this blog. I do plan to take a break from the subject of thinking in my next blog and share some of the things I have heard from other alcoholics in AA. Some fascinating stories. After this fifth blog. Maybe my husband is bored with the subject because he doesn't have negative thoughts. That's amazing to me. And wonderful.

I said in my last blog that it was a revelation to hear that my drinking was not the problem; it was my thinking. I stopped drinking. Could I stop thinking? Boy, that would be a nice relief once in awhile, but, no, I can't stop thinking. However, the good news is that I can change my thinking. Brian Tracy wrote a book entitled Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life. I don't remember who Brian Tracy is but I will never forget the title. Sounds easy, but it takes work.

I could write a book about my self-defeating thoughts. and I am gratified to know that I'm not the only one who thinks like me. In the AA meetings, members often refer to these thoughts as "alcoholic thinking." But I have learned that negative thoughts can pop up in anyone's brain. Good to know.

I'm reading a book right now written by a psychiatrist in UCLA's School of Medicine. So, I figure his credentials are good, and I can trust his research. His emphasis in the book is that those of us who want to change our thinking, can do just that, and he offers a 4-step process. What was most intriguing to me is the list he gives of the common thoughts of his clients. So intriguing because in the rooms of AA I hear members share these thoughts. Maybe some apply to you. By the way, he calls these thoughts deceptive brain messages.

I'm not good enough.

I should have/shouldn't have.

I'm crazy/I'm a sick person.

I'm a bad person/ I am not as good as. . .

I don't matter/Everyone else is more important than me.

I will be rejected/Everyone thinks I am. . .

There's something wrong with me.

I have no control.

No one likes me/ I am unlovable/I will be alone.

All of my worth is in taking care of others.

I don't deserve to be happy.

Everyone else seems to be doing things correctly; what's wrong with me?

I have a repetitive craving for something that ultimately is not beneficial to me.

I have an urge to escape reality.

These are the kind of thoughts I hear expressed in the AA meetings I attend. He also lists habitual responses to these thoughts. First on the list is alcohol and/or drugs. Interesting though he doesn't say it is the most common response. He lists several more. I relate to a couple. Do you?

Using drugs or alcohol.

Shopping/spending money I do not have.

Wasting time on things I do not need to do.

Fighting/arguing.

Excessive eating, dieting, or purging.

Avoiding people, places, events.

Smoking.

Eating things that are not good for me.

Repeatedly checking something (e.g., e-mail, text, facts, information)

Avoiding unpleasant (but beneficial) things like exercise.

Overthinking or overanalyzing situations, events, problems.

My sponsor in AA told me years ago that when most of us alcoholics stop drinking, we change seats on the titanic. I did. Now I am obsessed with my weight. Last summer I was in Hawaii with my son and his family. When I came out of the water, my son said to me, "Mom,

you look like a skeleton." I wasn't upset. I wanted to be thin. I should say slim because slim has a more pleasant connotation. I have wanted to be thin since high school. In middle school, a few students called me "bones." In high school, I filled out all over. I began 10th grade with a double A bra size and left high school with a D bra size. I wanted to go back to "bones. Then Twiggy became popular. I longed to have her body including her flat chest. I tried every diet I saw advertised on magazines at the grocery store check-out stand.

When Mom was under the care of Hospice, I gave her a piece of chocolate cake. "That was so yummy," she said. I asked her if she would like another piece. "Oh, no," she said. "That's too many calories." That's when I knew where I got my eating disorder. My sister stayed in an eating disorder center for several weeks working on her compulsive overeating. Since then she has maintained a healthy weight. My daughter went through an anorexic stage as did my granddaughter. I guess it's true these addictive behaviors run in families.

I recently talked to a friend who is in the 12-step program overeaters anonymous. I told her my concern for the health of an obese friend I will call Susan. My friend said, "Patricia, you and Susan are opposite sides of the same coin." Oh, my gosh. She's right. My new addiction is my weight and counting calories. But it's getting tiring.

Back to deceptive brain messages. Where do they come from? That will become clear in my next blog.

To be continued.