It Works if You Work It

So, I am now ready to tell you about some of the miracles that occur when a person works the twelve steps. I like the word "work" because, though we read at every meeting that the twelve steps is a simple program, it does require commitment, diligence and a lot of effort. Naturally, I have changed the names.

First, I will talk about Jill. I know her well. Her father sexually abused her when she was a child. She was six or seven years old, she told me, when the abuse started. Her mother was complicit in the abuse. She knew about it but did nothing to stop it. The abuse continued into her teen years and she became pregnant with her father's child. Jill's parents would not allow her to have an abortion. (Ironic if that was because of religious reasons.) And since she was underage, she had the baby. A boy. She saw him briefly and then he was gone. Out of her life.

Jill knew she was going to leave home as soon as she had enough money to rent a room.

She had an after school job first in a drug store and then as a waitress. She worked full time during the summers. By the time she graduated from high school and turned eighteen, she left home and never went back.

Eventually she married a man she met while working in a cafe. Her husband was an alcoholic. She said she didn't know that when she married him. Jill had promised herself she would never drink like her mother and father, but then encouraged by her husband to take a drink to relax, she did. She discovered she felt better. Her drinking career began. She had another child. This time a beautiful girl. She began a search to find her son. She never did. Her relationship with her husband was chaos. He disappeared after a few years and she raised her daughter by herself.

Her life became unmanageable. Jill knew she needed help, but was scared to go to an AA meeting. A customer came in and put on the table a big blue book called Alcoholics Anonymous. Jill asked her about the book and that led to her first meeting and her first sponsor.

When I heard her story, which she shared over time with me, I was shocked. Jill was an example of what I wanted to be: gracious, respectful, and loving towards all. After the trauma of her childhood, how did she become the serene woman I saw sitting in the meetings. There was no resentment, anger or fear. She was also married to a handsome, successful, wonderful man. What gives? I asked her how she got through her past. She told me it was through practicing the spiritual principles of AA. "It works if we work it," she said. She meant working the twelves steps: treating everyone with kindness, acknowledging her part in her resentments, not looking outside herself for love, accepting life as it is, repeating the serenity prayer several times a day, going to several meetings a week. Early in her sobriety she heard that by working the steps she would know peace and serenity, not regret the past (even hers) nor fear the future. And she was determined to have that peace.

Most important was forgiving her parents. She did that by realizing they did the best they could. Wow. She had to if she wanted serenity. If you met Jill in a meeting or anywhere else, you would probably think, as I did, this is a confident and beautiful human being. And she is. And you might think she must have had two loving parents. And she didn't. But she had a family of alcoholics to love and nurture her. She is a miracle.

Then there's David. David was beaten by his father and told he would never amount to anything. His father didn't amount to much. He was an alcoholic who became abusive when he drank which was every night. He took his anger out on his children and his wife. David once tried to push his dad off his mother and guess who got the worst beating. When he was twelve years old, he had his first drink. And like Jill, he loved the feeling. He found a friend, he thought . Until the friend turned on him. Like Dad, David became a mean drunk. When he was twenty one, he went to jail because of criminal threats. "What was the threat?" I asked him. He told me that some guy at a bar was flirting with his girl, so he told him he was going to smash his face in and break seven of his bones. I told David that was pretty specific. He replied that he was majoring in communications in college. But that night, it was on to jail and his college career was over. Five years he was in prison, and he didn't even touch the man.

David did not like who he had become. He wanted to change and he knew he needed help. He joined AA and got a sponsor. He also took classes while in prison. After a couple of years of sobriety he began to sponsor other men in prison. When I met him, I thought he was one of the most gentle young men I knew. I even suggested to my husband that we ask him if he'd like to do some work at our house.

Like Jill, David has forgiven his father. Like Jill, David realizes his dad did the best he could. We all are, I believe, doing the best we can. I am so thankful I get to meet these amazing people and see how living a life of love and forgiveness transforms us into human beings who make the world a better place.

More amazing stories to follow