Dear Diary

I have a cartoon on my bulletin board above my computer. It shows a man writing in his diary presumably and he is writing "Dear diary, sorry to bother you again." I think that is so funny. And a bit sad because so many of us feel like we our very presence is a bother to others.

In this morning's AA meeting the leader shared that she always felt inadequate and wanted others' approval so she was careful what she said, the way she dressed, the way she behaved for fear people wouldn't like her. Then when she discovered alcohol in the eighth grade, she found that alcohol gave her the confidence she longed for. Until, years later, it took away her confidence and she was more miserable than ever.

Of course, we learn in the 12 step program that there is nothing outside of ourselves that can fix us: no person, place or thing will take away our feelings of unworthiness. Love, approval, appreciation is an inside job. I remember being in therapy with my present husband and telling the therapist about my childhood and Ron, my husband, said to the therapist, "When she tells me how unworthy she feels, I want to take her in my arms and tell her she's wonderful." The therapist said, "You can't fix her, Ron. She has to fix herself."

This morning I wanted to tell the leader that I thought she was wonderful. I wanted to tell a woman in the meeting who has been seven years sober that she was absolutely adorable after she shared with the group that she still struggles with feeling not good enough, not far enough in her career, not being a good enough mother, wondering what other people think of her, worrying that what she says is the wrong thing to say, and on and on. And this young woman is beautiful, smart, kind, and loving. We visited after the meeting and she told me about her chaotic childhood home.

No wonder she feels insecure in herself. She never felt safe or secure in her home. Her father was an alcoholic and filled with anger which would be directed at whoever was in front of him. He would rage at the waitress even. He eventually lost his job because of his anger and his drinking. You can imagine how little he respected himself.

He eventually got sober, and this beautiful young woman has forgiven him because she realizes he was doing what he had to do because of the way he thought about himself and the world he created. And she can empathize with those feelings of not being enough. She is observing her mind to squelch the negative self talk when it arises. But even after attending AA meetings for seven years, working with a sponsor, and reading the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, those negative thoughts, she told me, pop up frequently.

It's said in the meetings, "Let us love you until you can love yourself." For some people that self love occurs rapidly and for others it's a long and slow process. And for some, it never happens and they often go back to drinking to shut down their negative thoughts. The point is that self loathing can run very deep. So some of us turn to alcohol or drugs, shopping, work, excessive exercise, food, gambling, and a myriad other ways to not have to be with ourselves. But if we really work a 12 step program, and it is work, we can find freedom from our addictions and/or addictive behavior. I recommend the 12 step program for everyone. The rewards are immense.